Original Text

My dream is to successfully build my own business from the ground-up. I have always been interested in taking new ideas and turning them into viable operations, whether as president of an organization or as founder of a new program. But it was [moved: my first job out of college], a non-traditional position where I developed my own project, when [moved: I] first [moved: realized I wanted to pursue an entrepreneurial career.] In this position, [moved: I designed and implemented a pilot project for Home State University called the Minority Mentoring Program], which is intended to match [moved: minority students] with [moved: professionals in the students' field of interest.] In developing this program, [moved: I worked with contacts established during my undergraduate years], including [moved: administration, faculty, alumni, and students], to determine [moved: the best methods] of [moved: targeting and marketing the program to both participants and sponsors.] I expanded my network base, [moved: reaching out to universities with established mentoring programs to better understand the elements of a successful program.] I actively marketed the program to both potential sponsors and students. Despite having no previous web experience and limited database knowledge, [moved: I created, through self-study, a functional web-site for both potential mentors] and students and [moved: developed a database] to better analyze program characteristics (e.g., student/mentor geographic coverage areas, career fields offered, frequency of mentor participation, etc.). [moved: I also oversaw the program's budget to ensure] the [moved: efficient] use [moved: of all expenditures. In effect, I was given a unique opportunity to head my own project.] [moved: As] the [moved: Mentoring Program Coordinator,] [moved: I gained a level of knowledge I would not likely have obtained] working [moved: in an entry-level corporate position.] More importantly, this position revealed my strong interest in entrepreneurial ventures as [moved: I thrived in an environment where I had complete control over the success or failure of the program.] Through [moved: my involvement, the targeted participation rate for both students and mentors was exceeded by] 15-20%, and [moved: the program] has been [moved: integrated into OCPP's] [Fran's note: What does this stand for?] [moved: suite of services].

Edited Text

[Fran's note: In order to catch the attention of the admissions committee, the opening paragraph needs to be much tighter and to the point. I suggest reworking the opening paragraph considerably, turning it into two paragraphs.]

In my first job out of college I designed and implemented a pilot project for Home State University called the Minority Mentoring Program. It matched minority students to professionals in the students' field of interest. As a result of my involvement, the targeted participation rate for both students and mentors was exceeded by 15 to 20 per cent; the program was integrated into OCPP's [Fran's note: What does this stand for?] suite of services; and I realized that I thrived in an environment where I had complete control over the success or failure of a program. I realized I wanted to pursue an entrepreneurial career.

As Mentoring Program Coordinator, I gained a level of knowledge I would not likely have obtained in an entry-level corporate position. Working with contacts established during my undergraduate years – administration, faculty, alumni, and students – I determined the best methods for targeting and marketing the program to participants and sponsors. I reached out to universities with established mentoring programs to expand my network base and better understand the elements of a successful program. I taught myself web design and created a web site for potential mentors. I developed a database to better analyze program characteristics. I also oversaw the program's budget to ensure efficient uses of all expenditures. In effect, I was given a unique opportunity to head my own project.

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